September 15th, 2009
Reclamation
So I know they’re right when they say, “You’re lucky you even have a job in this recession! Be thankful that you have the ability to pay your bills!” I know, I know, I know. Of course, in light of my poor budgeting skills, the bills are still a bit of a problem for me even though I have a job, but I understand what they’re trying to tell me. When I arrive in the office, though, and plunk down in my chair quite miserably after greeting my incredibly awkward boss with a pleasant (feigned, of course) “Good morning!” and begin my day (and then proceed to occupy the majority of the rest of my day) by trying to figure out how in the world I’ll go about deceiving my incredibly awkward boss into thinking that I actually have work to do… well, as I stare blankly at my computer screen, killing my brain and soul slowly, painfully, and surely… it’s just difficult for me to acknowledge my misery as ungratefulness. To me, my misery is an inevitability. You can call it naiveite, call it exagerration… heck, you can even call it normal! But all I know for sure is that I’m just four months into this job and already I can officially say this: I absolutely, positively, with every fibre of my being, LOATHE my God-awful job.
Even with really wonderful co-workers (comrades, really!) who empathize with me, the Awkward Boss (yes, he’s just so darn awkward that this description must now metamorphose into the proper noun which I will use to refer to him going forward… there are many, many epithets I could employ, but Awkward Boss takes the cake) irks me to such an extent that my job is nothing short of un-freakin’-bearable. I have no voice. I rarely do what I was initially hired to do, not only forcing me to put aside my best skills and strengths but also forcing me to participate in halting any career development aligned with my overarching “plan” (not wholly concretized at this point, but concretized enough for me to know that what I’m doing is the opposite extreme). There’s no room for growth. I never have enough to do, and when I am assigned a task, it’s usually one that’s very poorly explained and asking questions about it doesn’t prompt Awkward Boss to produce a more lucid explanation. And Awkward Boss isn’t just Awkward – he’s essentially a tyrannical douche-bag who probably times every member of my group during washroom breaks (while mumbling under his breath, I’m sure, about how washroom breaks grossly impede productivity). This job just isn’t for me, which is such a disappointment. I left my previous job with the bright hope of moving on to a better career opportunity, one that would allow me to carve a niche to inhabit for at least a few years. A few years? Hah! I’ve been trying to get a new job since Day 3. Yes, huge, huge disappointment. I have a reputation for hating every job that I get, but I’m convinced that this consistent job-related unhappiness is because I just haven’t found my cup of tea yet… not just because I hate having a job, whatever that job may be (but this is the consensus, much to my dismay).
So, the point of this blog? Well, I guess we can call it my attempt at reclaiming my hope for that ever-elusive “self-fulfilling” career. For some, it’s just a lofty ideal. For others, it’s the key to happiness. Whatever it is, I’m not prepared to give up on it. But first, baby steps – I’ll build up to that eventually, but first, I need to find a new job to reclaim my sanity. This blog will document that process, and perhaps along the way I’ll stumble upon a self-fulfilling career and understand what it means for me.
