January 29th, 2010
Changes(?)
Happy New Year! To the few followers I have, I’m sorry that I abandoned you for such an extended period of time. I’m almost certain that I’ve lost the interest of the handful of folks who actually brought themselves to glance at this utterly morose blog every now and then, but hopefully I can lure you back in due time. The truth is that I was far too miserable to document my thoughts on my seemingly neverending career search… sometimes my misery despises company and relishes silence instead. In coping with my misery, I vascillate between practicing mute despondency and penning overly long complaints… I’m feeling chatty nowadays, so I hope that you can indulge me.
Yikes, where do I begin? I will attempt to provide a brief summary of the recent happenings in my discombobulated life…and for a perpetual job-hunter/job-hater, is life truly ever otherwise? I think not.
So I decided, in mid-December, to return to school. The program commenced a few weeks ago, and on my very first day I knew almost immediately that it wasn’t a good fit for me. Having already left my job, I panicked. I have never been idle (i.e., not working or attending school) for more than a couple of weeks (followers, you’ll remember my heroic resignation a few months back, which, to my great disappointment, apparently hasn’t amounted to anything heroic after all), and the realization that dropping out of the program would force me into an idle life prompted me to make a phone call that I didn’t truly want to make. The first legal publishing company I worked for during the summer before beginning grad school was hiring, and while I knew that working there again would entail taking a huge step backward, that monster called Reason reared its ugly – yet familiar and uncannily comforting – head… and of course I let it convince me that a career regression was just the thing I needed in my life. Not the ideal way to start the New Year. I know.
So I officially dropped out of the program in the first week of school and started the job the very next week. I’m an editor, again, at a company that has already housed so much of my mind-numbing. It kills me how, despite the several changes I’ve experienced in such a short amount of time, nothing has really changed. I’m relieved that I was able to secure a job in such a short span of time, especially since job prospects aren’t optimum these days, but I feel like I’ve foiled my own progress. I’m downright embarrassed to run into former co-workers because I know they’re all thinking, “Why are you back?” One of them actually explicitly verbalized that sentiment. Ouch. But she’s right to pose that question… I left, only to come back? Of course it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense to me either. And yet I was the one who essentially sped up the recruitment process by making that phone call. These days I feel like a disturbing amalgamation of conflicting selves. My idealist self constantly unleashes invectives against my pragmatic self that was too much invested in Necessity, too much of a coward to avoid doing something I know I hate doing. And yet the idealist in me has no right to criticize, no siree. I can’t compartmentalize the facets of myself in the shameful attempt to dissociate myself from accountability. This $h!t is my fault completely, and I have to come to terms with that fully if I expect to find a job that actually makes me happy.
In the meantime, it’s at least a tolerable post at this point. I’ve already befriended a couple of co-workers – one of them is absolutely hilarious. Comedy gold, I tell ya, and she shares my work-related woes, which is a huge comfort. I’m also extremely good at what I do, which makes the adjustment period easier. But I’ll admit that it terrifies me, too. I don’t really want to be good at this job, simply because I don’t really want this job. But I need this job, so I’m just going to have to figure out how to endure it like everyone else in a similiar rut. I’m starting to think that I need to approach the situation with an “adult” attitude… a part of me knows that I’m coping with it immaturely, but I can’t help the fact that I truly am not stimulated by my job or any of its predecessors. And I can’t feign contentment. I just can’t.
Anyway, I have an interview for another job that I am almost fearful to write about because I want to avoid “jinxing” the opportunity. I think it may just be “the job”. Perhaps not until retirement, but definitely for several years, which is exactly what I’m looking for right now. I’ll write about that next week when the final outcome – good or bad – is concretized.
