The (Mis?)Adventures of a Perpetual Job-Hunter/Job-Hater

So, naturally, being the firm believer in education that I am, I’m considering returning to school so that I can transition into the right career for me. I’m so conflicted, though, since I’m a broke-a$$ joke as it is – what, with my low-level editorial job and all – and shelling out thousands of dollars for tuition and other school-related expenses would be a major setback. I want to live a grown-up life with my husband – I’d like us to travel, buy a house, have children in the near future, etc. All of these grown-up things require grown-up money, unfortunately, so as much as I’d like to be a student again… I feel like my time has passed. And it sucks because I was at my most content, my most self-fulfilled, my most intellectually challenged and stimulated as a student… despite the fact that grad school was so incredibly overwhelming and definitely beat the hell out of me with all of the harrowing demands on my intellect, my resilience, my writing skills, and my time management skills, it was an experience that made me better.

Being a perpetual student should be a lucrative endeavour. Life would be grand. So grand.

So my miracle didn’t come. The internship is a complete disappointment. Indeed, it’s refreshing to write, but there’s something really off about the environment. The editor is fantastic, but she’s just about the only person I enjoy. I’m so utterly disappointed… and I feel like an utter disappointment

I give up now. I think I’m at the point where I just need to find a job that is bearable… a  job that I can commit to, which doesn’t necessarily entail falling in love with it. Legal publishing DEFINITELY ISN’T the industry for me, and I’ve accepted that… but that’s just about the only thing I’m sure of at this troubling standstill. Yet again, it’s back to the drawing board for the perpetual job-hunter/job-hater… it’s getting old. Really old.

Even though I genuinely meant to, I haven’t blogged in the last little because I was just too busy trying to survive what I’d like to call “the three days of darkness”… and let me tell you, it was a tall order. This Monday-Wednesday schedule is absolutely killing me. I’m physcially manifesting my job-related misery, people.  Yes, misery… I went there and called it that, I called it what it is. I did warn you that my “like” for this job would probably wane, and it has… at an accelerated rate that even I didn’t predict. Please don’t be disappointed in me.

The physical symptoms of this misery include ghastly paleness, shivering, prolonged dizziness. It’s sickening. Technically I’m supposed to work from 7 am to 6:30 pm, but I could only survive until 5:15-ish the past two days (strageically leaving just 15 minutes after my supervisor left for the day to ensure that I didn’t run into her in the lobby). The only reason I deviated from that plan of action today is because there’s an editor here who’s scheduled to work until 6. Kill me now. Kill us both, I guess! This is un-freakin-bearable.

You know what, though? I have no one to blame but myself… and the physical ailments I’m experiencing? Well, I’m getting my just deserts, I guess. Why? Because I knew what I was getting myself into. I had a job identical to this one just 6 six months ago… there was a reason why I left… because I loathed it. I loathed the dry material, I loathed the absence of opportunities for growth, I loathed the redundance, I loathed the silence, I loathed EVERYTHING except two co-workers who kept me sane. The only difference here is that the department doesn’t seem to be saturated with sycophants who are actually rewarded for their shameless sycophantism. At the same time, though, everyone is so closed-off, I just could be missing something. So why the hell did I come back to this?!? Bad habits die hard, I guess.

This internship… I have high hopes for this internship. This internship needs to save my life. It NEEDS to get me on a career path that I’ll be content to traverse… it needs to get me a job that I love, one that doesn’t make me feel like ripping my hair out with every minute that passes by. I nearly sob aloud at the sight of every new stack of proofs that arrives on my desk for me to mark up. I’m downright sick of this. Seriously, though, I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve invested (wasted is probably the more accurate word to use) way too much time acquiring experience in an industry that doesn’t interest me whatsoever. Now that I’ve decided to invest my time and effort more fruitfully, I’m hoping for a miracle here… I’m hoping this internship  gets me out of the cycle of job-related misery… because I’m truly beginning to lose hope.

Okay, what initially started off as the usual end-of-the-workweek relief has graduated to full-blown dread of the thought of ushering in a brand new workweek at the new job. I can’t believe I said I was actually starting to “like” it. I don’t quite despise it, which is still a step above my previous jobs, but this is where it starts. It’s all downhill from here.

I’m just not loving the fact that my superiors have these pre-conceived notions about me. I come with previous editorial experience at two of the company’s biggest competitors, which shared the same editorial processes, for the most part, so there are definitely things that can be skipped in my training. However, that doesn’t warrant pretty much doing away with my training altogether. In my first two weeks, my supervisor has sat down with me to teach me about the editorial processes they follow for a total of 30 minutes, LITERALLY. Also, in my intervew I explicitly mentioned that I’d never edited a book (only looseleafs and newsletters), and already I’ve been assigned a behemoth of a book with very little guidance. The thought of working on it tomorrow is making me want to poke my eyes out a little. It’s so incredibly boring, too, which doesn’t help. I’m sure the subject of intellectual property would be interesting to study as a law student, but it certainly isn’t interesting in the context I’m encountering it. I have to finish editing this book by the end of December… it’s all really ridiculous… I honestly don’t know how I’ll do it. I hate new jobs that force you to ask a billion questions, you know ? Don’t get me wrong, I’d be fine with asking questions for clarification, but the problem lies in the fact that I don’t quite know what questions to ask since I haven’t been adequately trained yet – I don’t even have the proper knowledge to ask coherent questions. Seriously, sometimes I want to ask my supervisor something, and I’ll practice formulating the question in my head, and it turns out to be something that sounds so embarrassingly dumb that I end up not asking the question. Anyway, I now realize that I’m going to have to buck up and ask numerous dumb questions in order to finish editing the book. Ugh.

On top of it all, I really SUCK at editing material that I find boring. Yeah, I really wasn’t the scrupulous editor I should’ve been at my last job as an editor. It’s just that when I’m reading something boring, I’m not engaged enough to care about whether or not I’ve caught all errors… I really just want to skim everything and be done with the pages in front of me as soon as possible.

I’m really not a good editor in this context. I’m just too darn bored to care. This is yet another reason why I know this job isn’t for me… I’m not very good at it. And what kind of self-fulfillment can come out of a job that I can’t be proud of doing well?

Sigh, I wish this weekend wouldn’t end.

It’s a sentiment that feels so strange for me to express. True, this feeling may wane fairly soon, but it’s still pretty remarkable considering the fact that I’ve never truly liked any of the jobs I’ve had in the past at any point during my tenure in the positions. So it’s an incredibly foreign and refreshing thing to me, this job-liking.

It’s about time, though… especially after the hell I endured in my last job. The job-liking stratum of the working world is definitely a nice place to be! But I must admit that I don’t love my job… or even like it a lot. Nor do I feel like I’m maximizing my potential. So while I’ve finally found a job that doesn’t compel me to fantasize about leaving the office for lunch break and never returning, it’s not the elusive self-fulfilling career that I set out to find at the beginning of this blogging adventure. Let’s hope the internship gets me closer to finding it. I’m really excited to start. And I’m also relieved that I’ll get to do it without being completely destitute: my proposed Monday to Wendesday schedule at my job was approved, and I get to retain full-time hours until the end of the year. I’ll have to move to “freelancer” status in the new year, though, since they’ll have to hire someone else to fill the typical contract position (i.e., with the conventional Monday to Friday schedule). But that’s cool. I always wanted to work as a freelancer because of the freedom it entails. The amount of work assigned to me won’t be guaranteed, which would obviously impact my pay… but I’d get to choose my hours, decide when to go in to the office, and complete certain tasks at home. It’ll be good.

Who knew I’d actually like a job for once? It’s shocking!