October 15th, 2009
One Year
Okay, so everything is settled – I accepted the full-time editor position and the part-time editorial internship at the smaller mag. I’m certain that the hiring editor at the bigger mag is incensed by the fact that I rescinded my acceptance – she didn’t reply to my apologetic email, but I’ve got to look out for #1, right? I still kind of feel like crap about the situation, but that’s life.
It’s a relief to have a relatively well-charted course now. I endured such anxiety and confusion to get to this point, though, which is a little concerning. It’s clear that I’m still confused about what to do. I mean, I’m positive I want to write for a magazine, to write in some professional capacity about things that interest me (I’ll never again be a technical writer, never, never again!), but the confusion stems from whether or not all the effort and sacrifices (I turned down an invitation to interview for another full-time opportunity with an insurance company that pays better than the editor job and comes with great benefits because it wouldn’t accommodate my internship) made in order to stay the course will eventually pay off. I’m sure that in a ”transcendental” sense the opportunity to write will be worth it – but I’m concerned about a practical worth as well… which translates into money. I’m not a money-hungry person or anything, but I just hope to be writing for wages, however marginal, at some point in the near (rather than distant) future. I am willing to put in several months of interning to prove my worthiness for actual employment, but at the end of the day all this (unpaid) effort needs to culminate in a paying job with the mag in order for me to feel like it really was all worth it. Like I said in my last post, I could see this happening at the mag I’m interning for… but things don’t always play out like I predict – clearly my current position in life is sad evidence of that. So I’m a little wary of what all of this will ultimately amount to.
My husband and I have agreed that I have one year to try and make this work. He’s incredibly supportive, and while I’m eternally grateful for his genuine approval of my dream-chasing for however long I see fit, I told him that we both need to set a limit to this self-fulfilling-career-searching endeavour of mine, that he can’t just let me privilege my idealism forever while turning down great opportunities like the one at the insurance company that I turned down yesterday. So, for a year and ONLY a year, I’m free to do whatever I think it’ll take to get me where I want to be. After the year is up, if I’m not where I want to be, I’ll have to commit to whatever job I can snag anyway, no complaints.
I’m really hoping that this year is promising. I’ve got a whole lot of ground to cover.
