The (Mis?)Adventures of a Perpetual Job-Hunter/Job-Hater

So my miracle didn’t come. The internship is a complete disappointment. Indeed, it’s refreshing to write, but there’s something really off about the environment. The editor is fantastic, but she’s just about the only person I enjoy. I’m so utterly disappointed… and I feel like an utter disappointment

I give up now. I think I’m at the point where I just need to find a job that is bearable… a  job that I can commit to, which doesn’t necessarily entail falling in love with it. Legal publishing DEFINITELY ISN’T the industry for me, and I’ve accepted that… but that’s just about the only thing I’m sure of at this troubling standstill. Yet again, it’s back to the drawing board for the perpetual job-hunter/job-hater… it’s getting old. Really old.

Okay, what initially started off as the usual end-of-the-workweek relief has graduated to full-blown dread of the thought of ushering in a brand new workweek at the new job. I can’t believe I said I was actually starting to “like” it. I don’t quite despise it, which is still a step above my previous jobs, but this is where it starts. It’s all downhill from here.

I’m just not loving the fact that my superiors have these pre-conceived notions about me. I come with previous editorial experience at two of the company’s biggest competitors, which shared the same editorial processes, for the most part, so there are definitely things that can be skipped in my training. However, that doesn’t warrant pretty much doing away with my training altogether. In my first two weeks, my supervisor has sat down with me to teach me about the editorial processes they follow for a total of 30 minutes, LITERALLY. Also, in my intervew I explicitly mentioned that I’d never edited a book (only looseleafs and newsletters), and already I’ve been assigned a behemoth of a book with very little guidance. The thought of working on it tomorrow is making me want to poke my eyes out a little. It’s so incredibly boring, too, which doesn’t help. I’m sure the subject of intellectual property would be interesting to study as a law student, but it certainly isn’t interesting in the context I’m encountering it. I have to finish editing this book by the end of December… it’s all really ridiculous… I honestly don’t know how I’ll do it. I hate new jobs that force you to ask a billion questions, you know ? Don’t get me wrong, I’d be fine with asking questions for clarification, but the problem lies in the fact that I don’t quite know what questions to ask since I haven’t been adequately trained yet – I don’t even have the proper knowledge to ask coherent questions. Seriously, sometimes I want to ask my supervisor something, and I’ll practice formulating the question in my head, and it turns out to be something that sounds so embarrassingly dumb that I end up not asking the question. Anyway, I now realize that I’m going to have to buck up and ask numerous dumb questions in order to finish editing the book. Ugh.

On top of it all, I really SUCK at editing material that I find boring. Yeah, I really wasn’t the scrupulous editor I should’ve been at my last job as an editor. It’s just that when I’m reading something boring, I’m not engaged enough to care about whether or not I’ve caught all errors… I really just want to skim everything and be done with the pages in front of me as soon as possible.

I’m really not a good editor in this context. I’m just too darn bored to care. This is yet another reason why I know this job isn’t for me… I’m not very good at it. And what kind of self-fulfillment can come out of a job that I can’t be proud of doing well?

Sigh, I wish this weekend wouldn’t end.

Wow, it’s been quite some time since my last post! A lot has happened since my last blogging session…

So the interview for the editorial internship that I really wanted went extremely well on Monday – I was accepted for the position on the spot. I was definitely stoked, but at the same time I was pretty disappointed about not yet having secured a part-time position. I thought I was fully prepared to intern full-time at the magazine no matter what , but reality set in and I really can’t live with myself relying solely on my poor husband to shoulder all of our financial responsibilities… they’re not particularly burdensome, and we could probably survive on his income alone for a little while if we exercise the strictest discipline in adhering to a budget, but I can’t do that to him (and we’re not the disciplined sort, haha!). Besides, I’m a grown-a$$ woman and should be pulling my own weight, for goodness’ sake! I really would feel ashamed of myself… and to be honest, I have been a little ashamed of myself being unemployed these past two weeks, which is an issue I’ll blog about in detail very soon.

Anyway, then yesterday I got offered the editor job that I’ve mentioned previously. And because I’m an absolute idiot when put on the spot, I accepted it. HI. How can I intern full-time AND work full-time??? Why do I put myself in these sticky situations? Because I really am an idiot who apparently relishes dilemmas!

I don’t know what to do… especially because I think I can actually have my cake and eat it too with a part-time editorial internship that I’ve got lined up… it’s with a smaller magazine, but the internship could probably provide me with some great writing experience because the publication is so small and interns are heavily relied upon for contributing content… which I wouldn’t mind since I don’t think it’s far-fetched to surmise that it could perhaps lead to a paid gig in the future. See, the answer seems so clear – work full-time and intern part-time. But I already committed to the full-time internship and don’t know how to go about rescinding my commitment. AHHHH. It wouldn’t be so difficult to do if I didn’t care so much… this is an industry I really do want to break in to and I don’t want to burn any bridges on the outset of my foray into the magazine world.

The timing of everything was just so incredibly off. My maybe-soon-to-be employer should’ve offered me that damn job sooner so that I could’ve assessed my options properly. At the end of the day, I’m sure this happens quite a lot – candidates who accept offers end up having to revoke their acceptance due to a more suitable opportunity that comes along afterwards… I’m sure that the person to whom I’ll end up having to rescind my acceptance will understand, but the thought of doing it is making me a little sick to my stomach. Eck. Seriously.

Well, at least the Thanksgiving festivities this weekend will take my mind off of it temporarily. Happy Thanksgiving weekend to you all!

I wrote yesterday’s post with some relative clarity, I thought… but today the potential employer called to let me know that they’re proceeding in the recruitment process since yesterday’s interview went well. They will be contacting my references, and their final decision will be made by the end of next week. My gut feeling tells me that an offer of employment is pending.

And that gut feeling is accompanied by a feeling of disappointment, I guess I can call it. I’m not being ungrateful… this is a stupid, stupid initial reaction from an unemployed bum, I know… of course I’m pleased that I have another prospect, especially since I quit last week without anything to fall back on. While I’m glad that I can return to the work force almost immediately after leaving my last job quite spontaneously, I’m also a little disappointed because I have a feeling I know what my pragmatism will guide me to do. Sure, it’s an uninteresting job that pays an almost laughable salary… but it’s a job that pays… and even though I was intially unfazed by the unpaid aspect of an incredibly exciting magazine internship, I feel my pragmatism enveloping my idealism again, telling me that I can’t turn down an actual job… because I just can’t.

Ugh, it’s so unbelievably frustrating to be yoked to this kind of pragmatism. Even after all these posts that seem to trace an evolution (however slow and winding) in my approach to finding the right career for me, here I am, taking two steps back, thinking about settling for something that I already know will not make me content.

Oh, what am I doing.