September 24th, 2009
The Unthinkable
The unthinkable happened this morning. But first, I should discuss last night.
My girlfriends and I had dinner because our friend is heading off to Korea today. We ate, we laughed, we gossiped. My blog was mentioned, which prompted me to divulge my work woes to them more animatedly (my facial expressions, I’ve been told, are quite hilarious). But somewhere in between imitating my boss creepily peeking over my monitor to find out what I have for lunch and discussing how horrible the actual job is, the smiles on their faces were replaced by genuine concern. I needed an intervention, one friend said.
We went on to discuss what we all really want to do. We discussed returning to school, different programs that would interest us, we discussed the fact that we’re all still young enough to turn it all around and do whatever we want to do in life. My friend who is returning to Korea today said, “Dream big”. And it really stuck with me. I don’t know when I lost the ability to do that… all I know is the severe unhappiness that stems from burying the ability to dream big under a stinking $h!t-pile of routine and what all people in my position perceive to be “the right thing to do”.
Something about last night changed my perspective – yes, my job-related rants usually enter into our discussion every time we meet, but something about our conversation last night made me not want to return to my miserable job. Yes, I was having the worst work week ever, but something about being in the company of my intelligent, beautiful, ambitious, effervescent, hilarious friends last night inspired me to recover the courage to dream big… and to ask myself, point-blank, what would it take to make me happy again?
So, this morning, I woke up… but instead of performing that same ol’ foolish work ritual, I broke it, quite unexpectedly. Instead of sleepily going to the bathroom to begin getting ready for work, I went to my car, still in my pyjamas, grabbed my camera and, with the assistance of my wonderful husband, started taking pictures for my photography class assignment. And in that zone of creativity, in combination with still being inspired by last night’s dinner conversation with my friends, I knew that today would be the day.
I quit my God-awful job today.
My boss, of course, did not take it well at all, but even with his barrage of hostile email replies (and his expressions of his hostility are continuing at this moment, I’ve just been told via a text message from my ex-co-worker), I am content. For the first time in my life, I am idle. I am not employed and I am not a full-time student. Of course, that makes me incredibly fearful.
But I am excited. I’m excited that I was able to take control of my own happiness and free myself from the root of such severe inner torment. I’m excited to find me, to discover how far I can take my potential. And I promise myself that I won’t waste this opportunity to dream big.
